If there's something life has a truly taught me, is that you can give too much of yourself and not have what you gave restored. That's why I am here, talking to myself instead of doing what I feel I should. I instead am doing what I think I should. I read once that there are specifically ten things that kill human beings: time, loneliness, nihilism, sacrifice, despair, intoxication, greed, madness, rage and/or destruction. I can see some truth in that but as for how true that is, I suppose only God would know. I wonder which one will kill me?
"I am a snake. My skin is cold, I have no heart. I slither around seeking prey with my tongue and swallow my favorites whole."-
Gin Ichimaru, Bleach. I've always been quite fond of that quote, because I think it relates to me. Well, maybe it used to. Snakes are usually associated with betrayal and distrust. And chances are I'll betray your trust. "My skin is cold", essentially meaning I am without a heart, without emotion. "I slither around seeking pray with my tongue and swallow my favorites whole." I interpret this as my inability to not consume those closest to me. I eat what I love.
I suppose that those things were never really true however. I'm human. I feel things. I try not to and once upon a time if I was given a choice to not feel I wouldn't. Why? Because I always hated people who were sensitive or overly emotional ... because I'm the same way. So, I push down things I'm supposed to feel into the deepest parts of my being and pretend they aren't there. Those imbeciles scurrying around looking for love in their day to day lives made me sick to look at. I guess because I wish I could be that brave. I kind of just closed myself off at the age of 19.
I rarely took anything very seriously in my 25 years of life. Because I was afraid to. The thought of putting my entire being into something and failing was frightening. Relationships, school, work, sports, you name it. So I figure I have the cop out of not having really tried as my excuse for when it eventually all comes crumbling down. For a long time I was a coward who didn't want to struggle. To fail, learn from it, get back up and try again. There was a time you could have described me as a man with many regrets. I've been able to leave behind many of those regrets and not trouble myself with other peoples opinions and thoughts. I stopped caring about what people thought about me a long time ago when I didn't become who they wanted me to be.
I often wonder what love really is and if I really ever felt it. I think I've thought I was in love a few times but I wasn't. But looking back and considering my current predicament, I think there is one person I never stopped loving since the tenth grade. I think that realization hit me when she randomly popped back up in my life after legitimately just not talking to me for give or take three years. I was so happy that I got nervous. You ever been so happy to see someone your eyes water from happiness? Everytime I gotta hold those tears back from falling.
It's weird because when I first met her in highschool, I didn't particularly think much of her. She was cute but when I got to know her a lot better, things changed. And I remember I asked her out outside of my drama class in the hallways but unfortunately, I think I wasn't emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. I had never been in a serious one until the year after. Then in the 12th grade, came our second chance. And looking back, it wasn't perfect, both of us had a lot of maturing to do but I don't doubt for a second that we were in love. If there was one thing I know was real despite the bs she'd be on sometimes, was that she always cared about me deeply. But it didn't work out.
In college, when we tried to try again, I didn't do it because I'm an idiot and I was in a bad place. I couldn't do it and I thought no, I knew and still know, she could do better. I've come to the realization that that's not a choice I should make for anyone but at the time, that's how I felt. Then she left my world for what felt like an eternity. She had moved on and I didn't but in one of the more recent best days of my life she came back. Luckily after the darkest period in my life cause I had grown a lot from those times and this pretty much brings me today.
We've reconnected with some rough bumps and as of right now, I don't know what the future holds. I'm a simple man and I could spend the rest of my life with her and maybe some kids and die happy. But she's been through a lot and she isn't ready. I wonder if I am, I've been alone for so long. Is the timing bad or maybe this is bad karma directed at me for past mistakes. Why do I feel like ever since I've been ready to settle, I keep getting my heart broken?
But I digress. She's all I ever think and worry about these days despite not knowing how she 100% feels about me. All I know is how she makes me feel, how I feel about her, how shes the most gorgeous human being on this earth, has a beautiful soul and makes me a better man. She's part of the reason I am who I am, motivates me to keep being better, is so intelligent, driven and in a lot of ways...she is my hero.
And I'll always love her.