I want to preface this by saying I know a lot of people went through it this year. I know that...but man, I was in the mud. Kobe passed, my friends were sick, committing suicide, learned a lot of people who I thought loved me didn't, pandemic, cabin fever, social unrest, racial tension, my bitch ass brother pulled a knife on me, overheard my mom speaking about how much faith she lacks in me, dealing with my friends' issues, being frustrated with my YT channel, finding out some of my friends were literal scum and of course it wouldn't be my life without girl troubles (got my heartbroken). However, through these trials by fire, I've come out the other end immune to the flame. Different, better. But it wasn't easy, still isn't and I want people to look inside and fix what's broken. No one else can do that for you. YOU have to be your own hero.
To my brothers and sisters that didn't make it through the year, you'll always be alive in my heart. To the hateful people who betrayed me, I'll still love y'all from afar. To the one heart I broke this year I apologize for coming to you so damaged. To the coward that pulled a knife on me, I hope you find peace with your soon to be wife. To all the fucked up people who did fucked up shit to women and minors, I hope you alll get what you deserve. And to myself, learn to to not be so hard on you, you have value and you'll be able to share that with someone special someday. And to the racist parents that ruined something potentially special...I just need y'all to cleanse your souls. Just do and be better because next time I'm swinging. No cap.
I guess it's time to address the one thing weighing heavily on my spirit. I think the one thing I regret the most this year was my ultimate act of cowardice. I fell in love and didn't want to admit that to myself, my friends, my family and most importantly...to the most special, smart, beautiful, kindhearted soul I ever had the pleasure of being with. I let you down and by time I was gearing up to confess...you moved on. And I didn't show it but I was absolutely devastated. While I'm certain I would've been rejected regardless because you can do better and I ain't shit...I realize I'd rather hear that no from you. Instead of constantly wondering "what if"? I know a lot of it was out of our hands but I know I didn't help but being so needy when it came to you. After we spent my birthday together, I knew how I felt and just didn't voice it. I have a letter and gift sitting my drawer that I don't know what to do with. Other women haven't even come close to being as amazing as you are even though I can say I did meet two special people after you. I hope you are well and happy. I mean it and I apologize for everything. I miss you and I still love you.
I had to stay away because ultimately you didn't chose me...not ever really. Not your fault, I wanted something you didn't ever ask for but I won't lie I fell deep. However, It was just my turn because the moment you got a chance for something new you took it and ran with it. Maybe I'm a bit more old school but that really hurt. I felt a little abandoned and then I realized women do this to me all the time. They just get bored of me or use me sexually while they figure out what to do. So even thought I WANT to run back, I have to have some self respect for myself. So, I decided to just hold that L, love you deeply from a distance and just better myself. Because what else can I really do? I finally believe someday, one person will choose me and until that day, me myself and I. At least it taught me that I'm not a guy who just wants to sleep around with anyone anymore. I don't want fleeting pleasure and temporary feel goods. I want something real and meaningful, sex is whatever to me now but the moments before and after with someone dope matters more to me.
Before I ramble on and start crying again I'll wrap this up. I just want everyone to be the best they can be, live a good life on top of being happy (and successful). The fruits of my inner work are starting to show up in other parts of my life. My confidence attracts people, my body inspires people to get fit, my intelligence attracts meaningful conversation, my mental state allows me to navigate through negativity in a healthy way and letting go of the past has given my future the fairest chance it's ever had. This year sucks, trust me, I get it but just make the best of it. Do not waste this chance to level up and please ask for help if you need it. We ALL need someone to lean on sometimes.
Also wear a fucking mask you MORONS.<3