There's two girls I thought I loved when I was younger, I think one was just a one sided infatuation and the other one was kind of me thinking I did when I didn't. I don't know how to explain it, maybe I don't really fully grasp the emotion but I feel how I feel. But this one is different, it never really left and I think the problem with me is that I mentally and physically fight against it. Because somewhere in my soul, I never let this girl go. And I tried to because I thought that A) it was better for her but I've been told by multiple female friends that as a man, even if I feel someone is out of my league or that I'm undeserving of her, that's their (her) choice to make. Don't make it for them. Then B) I thought she had completely moved on and I needed to do the same.
So rewind back to about September ish when I surprisingly get a message from this girl, after years of absolutely no type of interaction. I'm nervous, a little suspicious but ultimately really happy to see she messaged me, truly. And I don't really wanna get into too many detail but I'd say for a time the flame was rekindled and I was all in. She came at me very direct, no subliminals, just open, honest, blunt, I like you. No games. And that was very refreshing to me and after fighting it I caved. I've always had a hard time telling her no since the tenth fucking grade. I don't have soft spots for people with two exceptions. Her, and one of my nieces. My niece is the cutest being I've ever seen in my life and if she wanted flames from the sun, I'd steal a rocket and die trying to get some sun flames (lol). But yeah, I went against my brain and I let my walls down. Again.
It's weird because to be frank, I'm a pretty sad person, cynical, dejected, misanthropic, antisocial and a pessimistic. But at the same time I'm not? It's like I'm just waiting for some semblance of light to show me that I'm wrong and save me from the despair I wallow in. But any who, it went well for a while and then she sorta, does this 360 and kind of pulls out so I got upset. I didn't understand, I thought maybe it was my fault, I can be a little negligent and aloof which is bad for my high maintenance friends who need constant attention. But I might have overreacted and she didn't really like that so she took some time and eventually kind of asked me what I wanted from this and I was transparent. I wanted to be with her. And after me pouring my heart out she just kinda goes cool, and moves the conversation on.
I'm no psychic, I don't know how anyone feels unless you show and tell me. And I guess it's (me and her) been kinda strained since then. I steeled myself and just pretended nothing happened but after a while, any time I see her name, her face or anything I have that reminds me of her I get teary eyed. It's become a distraction in my day to day life and I torture myself daily just staring at her IG and shit like that. I don't like feeling like this, I don't even understand what our current status or relationship is, does she even like me, I'm all over the place. The thing about this is that I'm not practicing what I preach. I tell people there's more to life than just love and that if every aspect of your life is going well, you shouldn't be down just because of boy or girl troubles. I have a wonderful cast of friends that support me, help me and keep my head on straight. I don't deserve them, I really don't. I'm enjoying my work grind, writing, I'm healthy and basically I don't have much reason to complain. It's not enough.
I'm still not happy (I'm no UNhappy though), I'm not complete, I want more, I think I might be yearning to start the settle down. This might sound weird but I think my level of motivation and willingness to do my best was at it's highest when I was with her. She makes me better, want to to better, keep up with her many accomplishments and ever-growing ambition. Now, I've been able to recently tap into that myself recently (I was not motivated for years) but she's like, in a lot of ways my inspiration. My idol. Maybe even my hero.
And I love her.