I don't really know what this is yet, or how to start it I just know I need to put down what I'm feeling on paper. Having a bit of a public diary of sorts helps me contextualize my feelings sometimes. I don't know how most people really view me at this point and I never much cared for how others see me. I can't control that but there are obviously exceptions to the rule and some people I don't want to disappoint. I say that because I feel like I'm the most misunderstood person that I know...however a lot of that is my own fault. My words and actions sometimes conflict. So people are always guessing.

I have to be honest with myself and you guys. And I often lie to myself. The truth is that I know I'm good looking and smart. I'm nowhere close to being drop dead gorgeous but I know I'm not actually ugly even though I often feel like I am. I do have my insecurities about my face, acne and forehead but you get the point. I'm like a 7/10 if you will (or strong 6). That being said, I have a lot of sex and I was especially a monster in the 11th grade and my two years in college. I was a soccer player, a very good one and that was basically always enough. So I drank, fucked and partied until the sun went down and back up. What no one knows is how much I hated it. It was just what I thought the world wanted from me. No... expected from me and if the alternative was to be seen as some virgin "loser" (you are not a loser for being a virgin) I choose to fuck around. But I felt so empty, hollow. All of these interactions and nights meaningless, fleeting, all so temporary. 

My self worth was basically just being a great soccer player, fun guy to party with who gets girls and I let those things define me for so long (oh and anime guy). To the point I realized outside of school, I didn't really have any game I guess. And now that I was not an athlete anymore I had no self identity. In the real world no one cares if you can dunk, run 100m in 10.6s, score hat tricks or got all these trophies. What car do you drive, how is your financial stability and whatnot. So while my sexcadaes dipped in frequency after turning about 24, it didn't stop. I guess I still did it to try and feel SOMETHING. And I have tried my hand at serious relationships. I'm old school and I have honestly been ready to settle down for a long time and really attempt to build something real with someone special. This might sound pathetic but I am a simple guy, I really am. I just want to be the best version of myself, doing what I love, growing and supporting the people I love. I want to have a beautiful, complete, loving family someday. 

It's become clear over the years that most women are really more interested in sleeping with me and never being serious which is fine as long as you make that clear. I am not owed anything, nor do I expect that kind of stuff. But why are all the people I like so afraid of commitment? Or fake "too" busy but in a heartbeat I'll see them in a relationship with someone else. There was nothing wrong with telling me, "hey I just wanted to mess around and nothing more". The problem is that this cycle has gone on for about 4 years and I didn't even realize it until 2020. The year I cultivated one of the most important relationships or connections I ever had. It was magic and we weren't even dating. It was one of those more 'than friends but not quite lovers' thingies. But with two people who really and truly enjoyed each others company. Covid amongst other things out of my control took that away from me or I guess us but I'm sure I felt it harder. They moved on and to be honest. I haven't been the same since.

I know I need to get a grip, trust me. I have a tendency to blame myself or my own actions before I even THINK about blaming someone else. And the fact of the matter is 60% of this is my fault for at the time, falling too deep. Now someone might say you can't control who you like. True...fair...but the problem is that I wasn't honest about my growing feelings which caused ME to malfunction. I know when I'm wrong. But 2020 was a year that I changed a lot. I don't bottle up everything, I let go of a lot of anger, learned who really is on my side and who fake supports me and I don't cope the same. Kendrick Lamar has a song called P&P. Pussy and patron. Anytime you're going through something in life, drink it and fuck it away until it you can't feel it no more. I don't really drink at all anymore or sleep around anymore. 

And believe me I tried. And the three other girls I've been with or mildly interested in have all been dope in their own right. But I knew I was settling and then one time, I was so lost in my own sorrow when we starting fucking, I couldn't even get into it. I just drove her home and cried myself to sleep. By the way this is all on me, I ain't blaming anyone. But it's funny to see them be completely fine, going on dates and stuff. Yet now I'm at this weird crossroads where there is a version of myself that I understand however that man is gone. The person I am becoming isn't a "me" I truly get. I can openly admit I have always been emotional and sensitive. My entire life. But I used to have such great control over my emotional state. Now I get in my feelings if someone takes too long to reply. I don't even recognize who I am at times. I feel needy, weak, vulnerable, like I am always whining, crying and the worse of it all is that I feel alone. I have family and friends, irl and online who I know care and love me. I KNOW THIS. And ask anyone, I am a lone wolf. I love being alone, doing things by myself and not interacting with anyone. Still do. But now I just feel so goddamned isolated and unseen. Unheard...unloved.

​One person, no matter how phenomenal they are shouldn't have that much impact on another human being...right? You know I used to get mad at my friends with great lives from like a health, education, work standpoint who would be in the mud because their relationship was strained. Or they were mad at their significant other. Like you look good, are healthy, educated, making money, good job but now that your boyfriend or girlfriend did x,y,z...life SUCKS? But I am the same way. Granted things aren't that great for me overall right now (trending in the right direction however) if the person I like or whatever is mad at me it messes me up entirely. It's all I think about. But one thing I did get good at is not being motivated by potential relationships or women. I found my own inner motivation and ambitions solely because of me, for me.

I believe in favorites. I think parents have favorites kids, children have favorite parental figures hell, I got a favorite niece! I say that because as fucked up as it is I don't treat everyone the same. I am courteous and respectful but you can tell who means more or less to me because I make sure I make that known. My two best friends know I'd crawl through a room of deadly venomous spiders for them, my little sister knows I always have her back so on so forth. So I have always had "special bonds/relationships" with people. And then in late 2019 into 2020, after being in a foggy haze, consumed by my own self loathing...I finally made an incredible connection that I probably cared way too much about. I don't love that individual in that way anymore and honestly my heart can't even beat for anyone right now. I feel awful sometimes when some girls are just trying to get to know me better or talk and all I do is turn them away. But I was really happy during that stretch and as of right now, if I can't have that I choose nothing. 

Before I begin to wrap this up I also want to be a hypocrite for a second. Because for years, the only way I could actually understand how much something meant or felt to me is to lose it. But I eventually beat that monster. So I just want other people to get there too. There aren't too many things that mess with a person than people running back to them. If you lied to me, left me for greener pastures, etc. Stop running back to ME once that shit fails. I had an ex recently bawl her eyes out for essentially doing just that to me. Talm bout "I realized no one cared about me for me like you did bla bla bla".  Too fucking late. Stop taking people and things for granted because even my stupid ass learned not to do that. But now when you run back I have to basically fight against my heart by using my head and I hate when I have to do that. It's a lose lose situation but I digress.

Sometimes all I see in the mirror a broken man. I can't see past my own agony. I just throw myself into my work, workouts, projects and hobbies. Hoping maybe with the passage of time, my wounds will heal. Or success can pull me away from this mess I'm in. But I feel myself thinking darker and slipping at times. But I am a firm believer of you have to help and save yourself. So I hope no one is like pitying me or feels this need to "save me", despite my dramatic ramblings...I am okay. I feel okay. I am going in the right direction imo but man. I fight my heart and mind EVERYDAY to just be alright. When I want to be happy. To be free.

I don't know what this was supposed to be, I might delete this in time but if you took the time to read it I hope maybe in someway, sharing my story helped you in some facet. Big picture takeaway, life is rough lol. There are always obstacles to overcome but you rob yourself of the chance for better the moment you give in. So don't give, up, don't quit, keep fighting because one day the blood, sweat and tears might have been worth it. Love y'all, take care, love one another and please stay safe.

P.S: I did NOT proofread this ONE bit lol.

This year was most definitely not it. It sucked for most people but I stopped looking at this year as a waste...because I didn't waste it. I can't say I reached my next career or life milestone but I did the inner work. Looked at myself in the mirror and the parts of myself I hate. All the pain and trauma I let out, changed my approach and the way my mind thinks. I don't want to be a toxic person or negative. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough. So I did the work and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was emotional, sensitive, vulnerable, needy, amongst other characteristics I wouldn't associate myself with. But after cleansing my soul, pushing my body and clearing my mind, I feel like the best version of myself. Plus I'm still growing. 

I want to preface this by saying I know a lot of people went through it this year. I know that...but man, I was in the mud. Kobe passed, my friends were sick, committing suicide, learned a lot of people who I thought loved me didn't, pandemic, cabin fever, social unrest, racial tension, my bitch ass brother pulled a knife on me, overheard my mom speaking about how much faith she lacks in me, dealing with my friends' issues, being frustrated with my YT channel, finding out some of my friends were literal scum and of course it wouldn't be my life without girl troubles (got my heartbroken). However, through these trials by fire, I've come out the other end immune to the flame. Different, better. But it wasn't easy, still isn't and I want people to look inside and fix what's broken. No one else can do that for you. YOU have to be your own hero.

To my brothers and sisters that didn't make it through the year, you'll always be alive in my heart. To the hateful people who betrayed me, I'll still love y'all from afar. To the one heart I broke this year I apologize for coming to you so damaged. To the coward that pulled a knife on me, I hope you find peace with your soon to be wife. To all the fucked up people who did fucked up shit to women and minors,  I hope you alll get what you deserve. And to myself, learn to to not be so hard on you, you have value and you'll be able to share that with someone special someday. And to the racist parents that ruined something potentially special...I just need y'all to cleanse your souls. Just do and be better because next time I'm swinging. No cap.

I guess it's time to address the one thing weighing heavily on my spirit. I think the one thing I regret the most this year was my ultimate act of cowardice. I fell in love and didn't want to admit that to myself, my friends, my family and most importantly...to the most special, smart, beautiful, kindhearted soul I ever had the pleasure of being with. I let you down and by time I was gearing up to confess...you moved on. And I didn't show it but I was absolutely devastated. While I'm certain I would've been rejected regardless because you can do better and I ain't shit...I realize I'd rather hear that no from you. Instead of constantly wondering "what if"? I know a lot of it was out of our hands but I know I didn't help but being so needy when it came to you. After we spent my birthday together, I knew how I felt and just didn't voice it. I have a letter and gift sitting my drawer that I don't know what to do with. Other women haven't even come close to being as amazing as you are even though I can say I did meet two special people after you. I hope you are well and happy. I mean it and I apologize for everything. I miss you and I still love you.

I had to stay away because ultimately you didn't chose me...not ever really. Not your fault, I wanted something you didn't ever ask for but I won't lie I fell deep. However, It was just my turn because the moment you got a chance for something new you took it and ran with it. Maybe I'm a bit more old school but that really hurt. I felt a little abandoned and then I realized women do this to me all the time. They just get bored of me or use me sexually while they figure out what to do. So even thought I WANT to run back, I have to have some self respect for myself. So, I decided to just hold that L, love you deeply from a distance and just better myself. Because what else can I really do? I finally believe someday, one person will choose me and until that day, me myself and I. At least it taught me that I'm not a guy who just wants to sleep around with anyone anymore. I don't want fleeting pleasure and temporary feel goods. I want something real and meaningful, sex is whatever to me now but the moments before and after with someone dope matters more to me.

Before I ramble on and start crying again I'll wrap this up. I just want everyone to be the best they can be, live a good life on top of being happy (and successful). The fruits of my inner work are starting to show up in other parts of my life. My confidence attracts people, my body inspires people to get fit,  my intelligence attracts meaningful conversation, my mental state allows me to navigate through negativity in a healthy way and letting go of the past has given my future the fairest chance it's ever had. This year sucks, trust me, I get it but just make the best of it. Do not waste this chance to level up and please ask for help if you need it. We ALL need someone to lean on sometimes.

​Also wear a fucking mask you MORONS.<3

Yooo, what's going friends, it is I the guy who obviously writes all these articles, posts and makes all the lists here. HEMMINGZ. So I just started up a YouTube Channel which will literally just be me doing what I want, what I like so: character analysis, scene breakdowns, gaming videos, anime stuff, manga recommendations, cartoons, comics, anime etc. I'll be doing it all. I want to eventually livestreams and do discussions where anyone can join and say their piece on whatever we're talking about (like the MCU) and yeah. My blog views have been great as of late, y'all have been reading my shit and I appreciate it. So please join me on this new journey as I attempt to make videos (I have no idea what I'm doing) and please support me! Subscribe IF you like the content or just wanna help me out some and that's pretty much all I gotta say. Thank you for your continued support people.

MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL
https://www.youtube.com/user/Niizzly/featured
^Homepage.

The other day someone was tweeting about how you should never let a toxic fanbase ruin your enjoyment of something. If you enjoy something, you should enjoy it no matter what other people think and for the most part I agree. However with that being said I started to think about it a little deeper. You shouldn’t let some dumb fan or hater ruin something you like but it can be frustrating when you like something and you have no one to talk to about it, in a meaningful manner. It was then I realized that in actuality sometimes experiencing something with likeminded individuals enhances the overall enjoyment of whatever you're reading, watching or playing etc.

For example, I don’t think Toriko is very good, but week after week, people on my timeline would band together and discuss the recent chapter. They made a community out of the manga and thus, they had a great experience with said particular narrative. Why? Because they were surrounded by good, positive fans that they could have meaningful discussions with. Back when Katekyo Hitman Reborn was being published and Onemanga.com shut down, a few of us from the Reborn discussion thread made our own forum called Katekyo Hitman Reboard. Everyday we’d come up with theories, talk about characters and such which I why I hold Reborn in such high regard even though in actuality, it’s just a bit above average.

Gamers do this too, especially back in the day before the interconnected webs. When you’d tell your friends at recess about a hidden whistle you found in Mario 3 or a cheat code you could use in some other game. Growing and experiencing that game with other people actually made you like it more. Now imagine everyone hating the thing you like. Does it make that, story or product inherently any worse? Of course not, but your experience won’t be the same. Chances are you’ll get defensive or just internalize it. This also holds true if you realize even the fans of the thing you like are…less than ideal.

An example of this for me personally is One Piece. I can talk to a few people about it, most of the fans are in my  honest opinion, fucking stupid apes but I find myself not expressing my love for the series outwardly as much. I enjoy it in silence for the most part. But like I mentioned before, that doesn’t make the actually piece of art and literature that is One Piece any better or any worse. It is what it is at the end of the day.

Another thing I realized about this topic. Sometimes something is so game changing, you have to be there and a part of it when it's happening, not after. Let me give you a music example. The NWA was huge, a big movement and a historical part of the industry. And I can hear all the stories from my dad, watch, research and be a fan of the music but at the end of the day I wasn’t there when it was happening. I was not actually a part of it. Sometimes a game so revolutionary comes out it flips the whole industry on its head like Ocarina of Time. I was THERE, I was a part of that moment in history and it was amazing. Can you play it years later and love it, of course, some things in life are timeless and just that good. Still doesn’t change the fact you weren’t there when it was a big deal.

So to conclude because really, this is just a disorganized think piece I’m typing while drinking I just want to leave you with this. Love what you love and don’t let a hater or bad fan ruin your enjoyment but if you can, surround yourself with people who love the things you love too. You’ll come out of it having had a wonder time.

I’m an extremely gifted athlete. Always have been and always will be until I’m out of my prime I guess. I’ve always been proud of that and I still am. And by that I mean I’m just naturally gifted, a lot of my athleticism is God given, not earned. I’m extremely strong, fast, explosive and I can jump high. I pick up any sport I play quickly and excel at it. So as I’m telling you this you’re probably expecting me to tell you that I’m some professional athlete playing overseas or something. Well I’m not and no, I’m not injured, I didn’t get some girl pregnant or something either. I chose this and every so often I get someone I know or used to know tell me how I wasted my potential.

I never wanted to be a “professional” athlete. Never. I played sports because they were fun, I liked competing, I liked the attention and being good at sports got me laid. You know what else I was? I was very lazy and didn’t like exerting energy needlessly. If it were up to me I’d skip practicing forever and just show up for games. Growing up only two coaches kept my ego in check and humbled me. Luckily later on, my cockiness would diminish (I still liked the attention and never lost any confidence). Soccer was my main sport, I’ve been playing since I was four and because I was so good at it amongst other sports, it came with expectations I didn’t like.

My old man always wanted me to run track. I promise you for a guy who doesn’t train at all unless its practice, I was fast. I ran a 10.80 in grade 10/11 and I’ve never had any proper training for 100m. I don’t respond to being nagged and pushed, it never works, I’m stubborn and I didn’t wanna run track anymore. I just wanted to play soccer. He was actually okay with that but he and so many other people eventually started telling me what I should be doing with my life as an athlete. You need to practice more, hit the weight room, train every day, eat this, go here and do this. “Bro if I had your talent man I’d do this, man your so luckily I wish I was that fast.” I was drowning.

For a while I kind of listened. I joined the clubs they said I should join, I’d practice during my free time and because of that I got noticed, played some high level soccer and even got a semi scholarship to play at college. But soccer became a job, it felt like work and I wasn’t enjoying it. The attention became a burden, the pressure was on and all the relationships that stemmed from me playing felt superficial. I didn’t even want to play anymore. My whole life everyone talked about my possible future as a basketball player, track star, soccer player and I never wanted that for myself. And there’s more to me than just being athletic. I have more to offer and I was tired of feeling that all people saw in me was another athletic black kid and nothing more.

For some people, sports are just a dumb thing jocks do but anyone who competes understands the levels of complexity that comes with playing. In the 8th grade, I partially tore the ligament in my left ankle and to this very day I’m extremely protective of my ankle. I’m 24, this is years later and I still feel vulnerable there, a literal Achilles Heel. That’s the thing some people don’t see, the psychological effect these games can have on you, even after the fact. I never had a career ending injury but those fears exist when you get hurt badly and it followed me why whole life. I remember even thinking what happens when I’m too old to play? Finally during my off season in college I made a choice, for me and no one else.

I stopped, I only play for fun and for me. Disappointed probably tons of people, some in my family who never fail to remind me and some friends who bring it up often. But it’s okay, I rather it be this way. I’m happier for it, soccer is fun again and working hard to be the writer I want to be is a fun kind of frustrating. Could I have been all the things people expected me to be? MAYBE. I didn’t have the drive for it though, so I guess we’ll never know. Truth be told deep down I never thought I was that good at any of these sports and that people just overestimated how good I was but anyways, I digress. I’ve made good friends, good memories and whatnot over the years doing this shit. And honestly, that's enough.

Check out my channel for some terrible Overwatch Beta stuff. More to come:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRllK-PoqbDSfjB6txpZcnA

Fear leads to the Dark Side, do not be afraid. If you’re holding off on seeing Star Wars because you’re worried about getting Phantom Menace’d again, put your mind at ease my child. The Force Awakens has breathed life back into the Star Wars movies and you need to go see it, like four days ago. Episode 7, directed by J.J Abrams, takes what works from the sequels (prequels) with the same feeling and ambiance as the original trilogy. The combination of those two elements makes for a powerful sequel to Return of the Jedi and creating great ideas for future movies. This film should be praised for: its characters, nostalgia, new ideas, cinematography, action and ability to bridge the gap between various generations. 
    
First of all, the movie looks great and it’s refreshing. In the age of computer generated images, it’s easy to forget some of the older movie techniques used way back in the day, when technology wasn’t so advanced. Despite this, the movie is filmed using a lot of real costumes, real on set props like the original trilogy, while also having CGI and other various contemporary filming techniques. It makes for a great blend that everyone can appreciate. Abrams truly did a great job directing this movie.

Ren’s confliction hinders his powers and he needed to firmly root himself in the darkness. I feel like this was Snoke’s intention. To have Kylo Ren kill his father, complete his transfer to the Dark Side and then complete his training. It’s possible that this is not Ren’s first time meeting Rey because he seems overly emotional when it comes to her. I’ll save the theories for another article though. Kylo said that he was torn apart; does that mean his time with Snoke has been nothing but pain? Kylo shares lots of similarities with his grandfather and I can’t wait to see how powerful he becomes. The scenes where he's beating on his wound is so raw because it could be a means to not feel pain or him using pain and suffering to strengthen his connection to the Dark Side.

In conclusion, this was the type of Star Wars movie we deserved years ago. It will please fans from all generations with the cinematography, compelling characters, nostalgia, action and humor, though there is maybe too much nostalgia and the movie isn’t newbie friendly. If you have never seen a Star Wars film before, this movie won’t be as exciting. It’s still a great standalone movie and understandable without prior knowledge, but you wouldn’t be able to appreciate it fully. All in all, it was magnificent and I can’t wait for the rest of the films.

​8.8/10