I don't really know what this is yet, or how to start it I just know I need to put down what I'm feeling on paper. Having a bit of a public diary of sorts helps me contextualize my feelings sometimes. I don't know how most people really view me at this point and I never much cared for how others see me. I can't control that but there are obviously exceptions to the rule and some people I don't want to disappoint. I say that because I feel like I'm the most misunderstood person that I know...however a lot of that is my own fault. My words and actions sometimes conflict. So people are always guessing.
I have to be honest with myself and you guys. And I often lie to myself. The truth is that I know I'm good looking and smart. I'm nowhere close to being drop dead gorgeous but I know I'm not actually ugly even though I often feel like I am. I do have my insecurities about my face, acne and forehead but you get the point. I'm like a 7/10 if you will (or strong 6). That being said, I have a lot of sex and I was especially a monster in the 11th grade and my two years in college. I was a soccer player, a very good one and that was basically always enough. So I drank, fucked and partied until the sun went down and back up. What no one knows is how much I hated it. It was just what I thought the world wanted from me. No... expected from me and if the alternative was to be seen as some virgin "loser" (you are not a loser for being a virgin) I choose to fuck around. But I felt so empty, hollow. All of these interactions and nights meaningless, fleeting, all so temporary.
My self worth was basically just being a great soccer player, fun guy to party with who gets girls and I let those things define me for so long (oh and anime guy). To the point I realized outside of school, I didn't really have any game I guess. And now that I was not an athlete anymore I had no self identity. In the real world no one cares if you can dunk, run 100m in 10.6s, score hat tricks or got all these trophies. What car do you drive, how is your financial stability and whatnot. So while my sexcadaes dipped in frequency after turning about 24, it didn't stop. I guess I still did it to try and feel SOMETHING. And I have tried my hand at serious relationships. I'm old school and I have honestly been ready to settle down for a long time and really attempt to build something real with someone special. This might sound pathetic but I am a simple guy, I really am. I just want to be the best version of myself, doing what I love, growing and supporting the people I love. I want to have a beautiful, complete, loving family someday.
It's become clear over the years that most women are really more interested in sleeping with me and never being serious which is fine as long as you make that clear. I am not owed anything, nor do I expect that kind of stuff. But why are all the people I like so afraid of commitment? Or fake "too" busy but in a heartbeat I'll see them in a relationship with someone else. There was nothing wrong with telling me, "hey I just wanted to mess around and nothing more". The problem is that this cycle has gone on for about 4 years and I didn't even realize it until 2020. The year I cultivated one of the most important relationships or connections I ever had. It was magic and we weren't even dating. It was one of those more 'than friends but not quite lovers' thingies. But with two people who really and truly enjoyed each others company. Covid amongst other things out of my control took that away from me or I guess us but I'm sure I felt it harder. They moved on and to be honest. I haven't been the same since.
I know I need to get a grip, trust me. I have a tendency to blame myself or my own actions before I even THINK about blaming someone else. And the fact of the matter is 60% of this is my fault for at the time, falling too deep. Now someone might say you can't control who you like. True...fair...but the problem is that I wasn't honest about my growing feelings which caused ME to malfunction. I know when I'm wrong. But 2020 was a year that I changed a lot. I don't bottle up everything, I let go of a lot of anger, learned who really is on my side and who fake supports me and I don't cope the same. Kendrick Lamar has a song called P&P. Pussy and patron. Anytime you're going through something in life, drink it and fuck it away until it you can't feel it no more. I don't really drink at all anymore or sleep around anymore.
And believe me I tried. And the three other girls I've been with or mildly interested in have all been dope in their own right. But I knew I was settling and then one time, I was so lost in my own sorrow when we starting fucking, I couldn't even get into it. I just drove her home and cried myself to sleep. By the way this is all on me, I ain't blaming anyone. But it's funny to see them be completely fine, going on dates and stuff. Yet now I'm at this weird crossroads where there is a version of myself that I understand however that man is gone. The person I am becoming isn't a "me" I truly get. I can openly admit I have always been emotional and sensitive. My entire life. But I used to have such great control over my emotional state. Now I get in my feelings if someone takes too long to reply. I don't even recognize who I am at times. I feel needy, weak, vulnerable, like I am always whining, crying and the worse of it all is that I feel alone. I have family and friends, irl and online who I know care and love me. I KNOW THIS. And ask anyone, I am a lone wolf. I love being alone, doing things by myself and not interacting with anyone. Still do. But now I just feel so goddamned isolated and unseen. Unheard...unloved.
I have to be honest with myself and you guys. And I often lie to myself. The truth is that I know I'm good looking and smart. I'm nowhere close to being drop dead gorgeous but I know I'm not actually ugly even though I often feel like I am. I do have my insecurities about my face, acne and forehead but you get the point. I'm like a 7/10 if you will (or strong 6). That being said, I have a lot of sex and I was especially a monster in the 11th grade and my two years in college. I was a soccer player, a very good one and that was basically always enough. So I drank, fucked and partied until the sun went down and back up. What no one knows is how much I hated it. It was just what I thought the world wanted from me. No... expected from me and if the alternative was to be seen as some virgin "loser" (you are not a loser for being a virgin) I choose to fuck around. But I felt so empty, hollow. All of these interactions and nights meaningless, fleeting, all so temporary.
My self worth was basically just being a great soccer player, fun guy to party with who gets girls and I let those things define me for so long (oh and anime guy). To the point I realized outside of school, I didn't really have any game I guess. And now that I was not an athlete anymore I had no self identity. In the real world no one cares if you can dunk, run 100m in 10.6s, score hat tricks or got all these trophies. What car do you drive, how is your financial stability and whatnot. So while my sexcadaes dipped in frequency after turning about 24, it didn't stop. I guess I still did it to try and feel SOMETHING. And I have tried my hand at serious relationships. I'm old school and I have honestly been ready to settle down for a long time and really attempt to build something real with someone special. This might sound pathetic but I am a simple guy, I really am. I just want to be the best version of myself, doing what I love, growing and supporting the people I love. I want to have a beautiful, complete, loving family someday.
It's become clear over the years that most women are really more interested in sleeping with me and never being serious which is fine as long as you make that clear. I am not owed anything, nor do I expect that kind of stuff. But why are all the people I like so afraid of commitment? Or fake "too" busy but in a heartbeat I'll see them in a relationship with someone else. There was nothing wrong with telling me, "hey I just wanted to mess around and nothing more". The problem is that this cycle has gone on for about 4 years and I didn't even realize it until 2020. The year I cultivated one of the most important relationships or connections I ever had. It was magic and we weren't even dating. It was one of those more 'than friends but not quite lovers' thingies. But with two people who really and truly enjoyed each others company. Covid amongst other things out of my control took that away from me or I guess us but I'm sure I felt it harder. They moved on and to be honest. I haven't been the same since.
I know I need to get a grip, trust me. I have a tendency to blame myself or my own actions before I even THINK about blaming someone else. And the fact of the matter is 60% of this is my fault for at the time, falling too deep. Now someone might say you can't control who you like. True...fair...but the problem is that I wasn't honest about my growing feelings which caused ME to malfunction. I know when I'm wrong. But 2020 was a year that I changed a lot. I don't bottle up everything, I let go of a lot of anger, learned who really is on my side and who fake supports me and I don't cope the same. Kendrick Lamar has a song called P&P. Pussy and patron. Anytime you're going through something in life, drink it and fuck it away until it you can't feel it no more. I don't really drink at all anymore or sleep around anymore.
And believe me I tried. And the three other girls I've been with or mildly interested in have all been dope in their own right. But I knew I was settling and then one time, I was so lost in my own sorrow when we starting fucking, I couldn't even get into it. I just drove her home and cried myself to sleep. By the way this is all on me, I ain't blaming anyone. But it's funny to see them be completely fine, going on dates and stuff. Yet now I'm at this weird crossroads where there is a version of myself that I understand however that man is gone. The person I am becoming isn't a "me" I truly get. I can openly admit I have always been emotional and sensitive. My entire life. But I used to have such great control over my emotional state. Now I get in my feelings if someone takes too long to reply. I don't even recognize who I am at times. I feel needy, weak, vulnerable, like I am always whining, crying and the worse of it all is that I feel alone. I have family and friends, irl and online who I know care and love me. I KNOW THIS. And ask anyone, I am a lone wolf. I love being alone, doing things by myself and not interacting with anyone. Still do. But now I just feel so goddamned isolated and unseen. Unheard...unloved.
One person, no matter how phenomenal they are shouldn't have that much impact on another human being...right? You know I used to get mad at my friends with great lives from like a health, education, work standpoint who would be in the mud because their relationship was strained. Or they were mad at their significant other. Like you look good, are healthy, educated, making money, good job but now that your boyfriend or girlfriend did x,y,z...life SUCKS? But I am the same way. Granted things aren't that great for me overall right now (trending in the right direction however) if the person I like or whatever is mad at me it messes me up entirely. It's all I think about. But one thing I did get good at is not being motivated by potential relationships or women. I found my own inner motivation and ambitions solely because of me, for me.
I believe in favorites. I think parents have favorites kids, children have favorite parental figures hell, I got a favorite niece! I say that because as fucked up as it is I don't treat everyone the same. I am courteous and respectful but you can tell who means more or less to me because I make sure I make that known. My two best friends know I'd crawl through a room of deadly venomous spiders for them, my little sister knows I always have her back so on so forth. So I have always had "special bonds/relationships" with people. And then in late 2019 into 2020, after being in a foggy haze, consumed by my own self loathing...I finally made an incredible connection that I probably cared way too much about. I don't love that individual in that way anymore and honestly my heart can't even beat for anyone right now. I feel awful sometimes when some girls are just trying to get to know me better or talk and all I do is turn them away. But I was really happy during that stretch and as of right now, if I can't have that I choose nothing.
Before I begin to wrap this up I also want to be a hypocrite for a second. Because for years, the only way I could actually understand how much something meant or felt to me is to lose it. But I eventually beat that monster. So I just want other people to get there too. There aren't too many things that mess with a person than people running back to them. If you lied to me, left me for greener pastures, etc. Stop running back to ME once that shit fails. I had an ex recently bawl her eyes out for essentially doing just that to me. Talm bout "I realized no one cared about me for me like you did bla bla bla". Too fucking late. Stop taking people and things for granted because even my stupid ass learned not to do that. But now when you run back I have to basically fight against my heart by using my head and I hate when I have to do that. It's a lose lose situation but I digress.
Sometimes all I see in the mirror a broken man. I can't see past my own agony. I just throw myself into my work, workouts, projects and hobbies. Hoping maybe with the passage of time, my wounds will heal. Or success can pull me away from this mess I'm in. But I feel myself thinking darker and slipping at times. But I am a firm believer of you have to help and save yourself. So I hope no one is like pitying me or feels this need to "save me", despite my dramatic ramblings...I am okay. I feel okay. I am going in the right direction imo but man. I fight my heart and mind EVERYDAY to just be alright. When I want to be happy. To be free.
I don't know what this was supposed to be, I might delete this in time but if you took the time to read it I hope maybe in someway, sharing my story helped you in some facet. Big picture takeaway, life is rough lol. There are always obstacles to overcome but you rob yourself of the chance for better the moment you give in. So don't give, up, don't quit, keep fighting because one day the blood, sweat and tears might have been worth it. Love y'all, take care, love one another and please stay safe.
P.S: I did NOT proofread this ONE bit lol.
I believe in favorites. I think parents have favorites kids, children have favorite parental figures hell, I got a favorite niece! I say that because as fucked up as it is I don't treat everyone the same. I am courteous and respectful but you can tell who means more or less to me because I make sure I make that known. My two best friends know I'd crawl through a room of deadly venomous spiders for them, my little sister knows I always have her back so on so forth. So I have always had "special bonds/relationships" with people. And then in late 2019 into 2020, after being in a foggy haze, consumed by my own self loathing...I finally made an incredible connection that I probably cared way too much about. I don't love that individual in that way anymore and honestly my heart can't even beat for anyone right now. I feel awful sometimes when some girls are just trying to get to know me better or talk and all I do is turn them away. But I was really happy during that stretch and as of right now, if I can't have that I choose nothing.
Before I begin to wrap this up I also want to be a hypocrite for a second. Because for years, the only way I could actually understand how much something meant or felt to me is to lose it. But I eventually beat that monster. So I just want other people to get there too. There aren't too many things that mess with a person than people running back to them. If you lied to me, left me for greener pastures, etc. Stop running back to ME once that shit fails. I had an ex recently bawl her eyes out for essentially doing just that to me. Talm bout "I realized no one cared about me for me like you did bla bla bla". Too fucking late. Stop taking people and things for granted because even my stupid ass learned not to do that. But now when you run back I have to basically fight against my heart by using my head and I hate when I have to do that. It's a lose lose situation but I digress.
Sometimes all I see in the mirror a broken man. I can't see past my own agony. I just throw myself into my work, workouts, projects and hobbies. Hoping maybe with the passage of time, my wounds will heal. Or success can pull me away from this mess I'm in. But I feel myself thinking darker and slipping at times. But I am a firm believer of you have to help and save yourself. So I hope no one is like pitying me or feels this need to "save me", despite my dramatic ramblings...I am okay. I feel okay. I am going in the right direction imo but man. I fight my heart and mind EVERYDAY to just be alright. When I want to be happy. To be free.
I don't know what this was supposed to be, I might delete this in time but if you took the time to read it I hope maybe in someway, sharing my story helped you in some facet. Big picture takeaway, life is rough lol. There are always obstacles to overcome but you rob yourself of the chance for better the moment you give in. So don't give, up, don't quit, keep fighting because one day the blood, sweat and tears might have been worth it. Love y'all, take care, love one another and please stay safe.
P.S: I did NOT proofread this ONE bit lol.