I am not a perfect man. Never have been, never will be and the truth is, no one is perfect. But I strive to be a man with little to no flaws. To be as close to perfection as it comes and I have high expectations for myself. But at the same time, I can't think of anyone who makes as many mistakes as I do...has as many regrets as I do. And I started asking myself if I became the very thing I hate when I tried so hard to be someone my grandfather would be proud of.
I'm 30 as of this written piece. I haven't fully become the bitter uncle or aunty at the family function. I'm still young-ish, I look good and I'm in great shape. But I'm no spring chicken. I have seen improving success in the aspects of life that matter the most over the past 4 years. Emotional growth, monetary gain, additional skills, entering my first relationship since highschool and learning a lot more about myself. I am proud of that and maybe I'm impatient but it hasn't been enough.
I've had many stretches of good success and I've been making the necessary moves to really be on my own. My own place and a car. But here's the thing about me that people don't get. Doing the bare minimum like that holds no value to me. If I moved out today, I'm sure I'd have an elevated peace of mind but I'd have more bills and housework to do. There's a trade off. And I'm sure this weird new loneliness bug I've been struggling with will be exacerbated. You see I have always been a lone wolf. I do want I want, when I want, I do it by myself and unless I NEED help, I don't ask. But this was an issue everyone close to me had an issue with.
Nya you need to open up. Nya you can't do everything by your lonesome. Nya you can't bottle everything. Nya this and Nya that. So I worked on it. I depended on my close friends and family. I opened up, I shared my problems...and this might have been a big mistake. Because once that seal was removed, it couldn't go back on. That sense of self I had was gone. I've since been forced to regain some of it and I have but as much as I love my me time, chilling alone and doing thingd by myself; I'm not the same man I was. Loneliness because something I struggled to deal with. I felt isolated often.
I then reached a new place in my life that I haven't tasted or been around since 19. Love. I lost my virginity at 13. I am tall enough, handsome, a smooth taker and an athlete. I never had trouble getting women to want to sleep with me. Even now at 30. Situationships, more than friends but not quite lovers is what I constantly found myself in. But at 28 I actually entered my first adult relationship. But it was long distance and there was one more hot button issue we'll say but that no one's business. I hit a year for the first time but eventually I walked away when I didn't want to. We're okay, we still talk but I never actually wanted to pull the plug. I had to.
While that breakup was going on I attempted to move on twice. One was a rebound I tried to force to work while the other I can't explain. She lost her fucking mind and lied about a pregnancy. When we were getting along perfectly. And I spiraled down a path I hadn't since being like 24. I kept smoking, drinking and trying to fuck my way through the hole in my heart. But all it did was make me feel more hollow. And when I stop I get this weird sensation like I'm wasting my sexual prime, I'm unwanted, plus my libido IS HIGH. This isn't an excuse but it's just the truth.
My health failed me. I started having chest pains, the depression, the less than usual lack of bodily care and my suicidal ideation caught up to me. And I made a change. These past three months I've prioritized myself, my health, I haven't been overworking myself and things have been good. I re-found my passion for content creation, the channel is doing better than ever, my new job has been good to me on top of my body looking and feeling better than before. But I'm not a person who is obsessed with himself, I care about the people in my life more than me. I want more money to employ others. I want a wife to love and grow with and kids to shape into leaders of the next generation. Desperately, I want that and I feel like I'm running out of time.
You might be thinking, "dude you're only 30 and you're a guy. Relax." Here's the thing. I already seem to only attract women who want to sleep around or ones with kids. The older I get the more I have to accept possibly being a step dad which I don't want to be if I can help it. That seems like a impossibility if I don't find someone soon. And maybe that's life, no one is guaranteed a happily ever after. But I'll get that family, the house with the white picket fence or die trying. That's why I try so hard. That's why every time I want to take my own life, I press on another day. Hoping everything I do and have done will pay off and I can take care of a family. My family.
When I look around me and see couple I can feel the shame. Like why aren't I there? I'm happy I'm not envious or jealous but I definitely feel like I am doing something wrong. Everyone is having kids, getting married and/or getting houses. Have I spent so much time in my 20s emotionally detached that I've done irreparable damage to my relationship related psychology? Perhaps I am overthinking it and I'm being too hard on myself but I need to figure this out before I kill myself stressing about it. I was actually okay them the first girl that battered her pretty little eyes at me at my friends party sent me right back down that spiral again. What is wrong with me?
I'm sure this comes across as pathetic to a lot of people and I don't disagree. But I never wanted to be the next Michael Jordan or Lionel Messi. I never wanted to be Prime Minister or a billionaire. I just wanted to make really good money, with a meaningful career than would let me support a wife and kids. I don't know what this is, I could say a lot more but we'll end this pathetic sob story here. And in three years, lets see if anything has changed. If you read this far, I appreciate it. Don't give up, keep ya head up and I hope you end up a better person than I turned out to be.
I'm 30 as of this written piece. I haven't fully become the bitter uncle or aunty at the family function. I'm still young-ish, I look good and I'm in great shape. But I'm no spring chicken. I have seen improving success in the aspects of life that matter the most over the past 4 years. Emotional growth, monetary gain, additional skills, entering my first relationship since highschool and learning a lot more about myself. I am proud of that and maybe I'm impatient but it hasn't been enough.
I've had many stretches of good success and I've been making the necessary moves to really be on my own. My own place and a car. But here's the thing about me that people don't get. Doing the bare minimum like that holds no value to me. If I moved out today, I'm sure I'd have an elevated peace of mind but I'd have more bills and housework to do. There's a trade off. And I'm sure this weird new loneliness bug I've been struggling with will be exacerbated. You see I have always been a lone wolf. I do want I want, when I want, I do it by myself and unless I NEED help, I don't ask. But this was an issue everyone close to me had an issue with.
Nya you need to open up. Nya you can't do everything by your lonesome. Nya you can't bottle everything. Nya this and Nya that. So I worked on it. I depended on my close friends and family. I opened up, I shared my problems...and this might have been a big mistake. Because once that seal was removed, it couldn't go back on. That sense of self I had was gone. I've since been forced to regain some of it and I have but as much as I love my me time, chilling alone and doing thingd by myself; I'm not the same man I was. Loneliness because something I struggled to deal with. I felt isolated often.
I then reached a new place in my life that I haven't tasted or been around since 19. Love. I lost my virginity at 13. I am tall enough, handsome, a smooth taker and an athlete. I never had trouble getting women to want to sleep with me. Even now at 30. Situationships, more than friends but not quite lovers is what I constantly found myself in. But at 28 I actually entered my first adult relationship. But it was long distance and there was one more hot button issue we'll say but that no one's business. I hit a year for the first time but eventually I walked away when I didn't want to. We're okay, we still talk but I never actually wanted to pull the plug. I had to.
While that breakup was going on I attempted to move on twice. One was a rebound I tried to force to work while the other I can't explain. She lost her fucking mind and lied about a pregnancy. When we were getting along perfectly. And I spiraled down a path I hadn't since being like 24. I kept smoking, drinking and trying to fuck my way through the hole in my heart. But all it did was make me feel more hollow. And when I stop I get this weird sensation like I'm wasting my sexual prime, I'm unwanted, plus my libido IS HIGH. This isn't an excuse but it's just the truth.
My health failed me. I started having chest pains, the depression, the less than usual lack of bodily care and my suicidal ideation caught up to me. And I made a change. These past three months I've prioritized myself, my health, I haven't been overworking myself and things have been good. I re-found my passion for content creation, the channel is doing better than ever, my new job has been good to me on top of my body looking and feeling better than before. But I'm not a person who is obsessed with himself, I care about the people in my life more than me. I want more money to employ others. I want a wife to love and grow with and kids to shape into leaders of the next generation. Desperately, I want that and I feel like I'm running out of time.
You might be thinking, "dude you're only 30 and you're a guy. Relax." Here's the thing. I already seem to only attract women who want to sleep around or ones with kids. The older I get the more I have to accept possibly being a step dad which I don't want to be if I can help it. That seems like a impossibility if I don't find someone soon. And maybe that's life, no one is guaranteed a happily ever after. But I'll get that family, the house with the white picket fence or die trying. That's why I try so hard. That's why every time I want to take my own life, I press on another day. Hoping everything I do and have done will pay off and I can take care of a family. My family.
When I look around me and see couple I can feel the shame. Like why aren't I there? I'm happy I'm not envious or jealous but I definitely feel like I am doing something wrong. Everyone is having kids, getting married and/or getting houses. Have I spent so much time in my 20s emotionally detached that I've done irreparable damage to my relationship related psychology? Perhaps I am overthinking it and I'm being too hard on myself but I need to figure this out before I kill myself stressing about it. I was actually okay them the first girl that battered her pretty little eyes at me at my friends party sent me right back down that spiral again. What is wrong with me?
I'm sure this comes across as pathetic to a lot of people and I don't disagree. But I never wanted to be the next Michael Jordan or Lionel Messi. I never wanted to be Prime Minister or a billionaire. I just wanted to make really good money, with a meaningful career than would let me support a wife and kids. I don't know what this is, I could say a lot more but we'll end this pathetic sob story here. And in three years, lets see if anything has changed. If you read this far, I appreciate it. Don't give up, keep ya head up and I hope you end up a better person than I turned out to be.