I've been searching for my identity, who am I now? What's my purpose in this world? What am I supposed to do? Do I belong? Should I just die? No, I'm serious. I attempted to take my life when I was 30 and once when I was 17. I've pretty much never shared that with a single soul though those closest to me know I suffer from suicidal ideation. There's nothing wrong with my brain chemically but there are times where I genuinely think the most logical choice I can make is death. I don't think anyone would miss me besides my mother but she does have another kid, so I feel like she'd be okay in due time. A fucked up thought, I know. It just feels like the 6 years of emotional, mental, financial, spiritual and physical growth I've done fell apart as soon as I was depressed. I've undone so much in just like 3 months. Fell back into every bad coping mechanism I have except drinking. I'm just disappointed in myself and now nothing will ever be the same.
I've reached a crossroads. I have a lot of serious choices and decisions to make. And as a result at the end of this year, the internet may possibly no longer see me. I spend a lot of time working on content but the truth is I don't make any money from it. All my income for the most part comes from me destroying my body and shaking my ass for the white man. But let me just explain how quickly and how bad something's got for me all in essentially one week. This isn't woe is me feel bad or excuses for my actions, just an explanation.
Two of my cousins self deleted. I was really close to one of them and back in December, I saw him. Was he struggling then? Could I have saved him? Was he going through the same things I was? I don't know. My other cousin I wasn't super close to but we were cool. He had a son and was older than me. Rest in peace. I might have a tumor. I saw an dermatologist that sent me to an oncologist for this dark spot on my left shin. Now, it could possibly be melanoma. I am a healthy person and the fact my health keeps failing me is scaring me. I think about just giving in and dying early a lot. *Redacted* is still keeping me in purgatory, between yes and no. It's messing with me. Am I worthy? Am I being impatient? Why won't she just claim me or let me go? Idk. Then you have my trying to move on arc that has been failing miserably. *Redacted2* lied about being pregnant and fucked up what we had. *Redacted3* really hurt my feelings by rejecting me then spinning the block like the dummy she is. Like my heart has honestly been taking a beating. 3 threepeat of L's. And I probably deserve to suffer.
I thought my hard work was paying off and I got a big sponsorship. Nope. Got scammed and almost lost my YT account. I'm tired of being here, I didn't win the bid for the houses I looked at. I'm thinking about self deleting myself which is why I think I haven't been moving right, because it's like I'm trying to destroy it all and pass on. I just don't have much fight left in me it seems. Nothing is going well and I've tried so hard for so long. Also, I got fired because I was sleeping with my manager. And because I was going through a lot and didn't wanna like engage she thought I was seeing someone else and cut me. Hold on because I feel like you're not really hearing me. And it feels like no matter how much I try to explain this to anyone no one is really hearing me. I'm focused on the bag and moving out. As for my health nothing I can do about a tumor. I have one or I don't. I take care of my health. I'm not trying to do it all at once but it's all connected. Working my ass off gives me more money then I can use that to move out and really start my life.
Ever since October I haven't been doing it all. I take breaks. I rest. If I'm not in the mood I don't force it. I'm lonely. I want her back. But I know that's not in the cards so I'm acting out and the two times I thought I could move on, bs happened. I am trying not to focus on that but it matters to me and I'm generally at peak efficiency when I'm in something good and real. All of this is weighing on me to the point I'm logically looking at ending my life because I just think it's the reasonable thing to do. Because it all seems so meaningless. Like I'm really trying not to do these things or move like this but when I feel alone and I'm crying I always end up looking for a quick fix if you catch my drift. Like first I need to get rid of whatever it is making me feel so alone. But I can't pinpoint the true root issue. Am I just rotten to my core? Is my soul tainted? Is my heart too bruised? Maybe I am just a bad person and I don't have it in me to just do good and stay good. Maybe I expect too much out of life, other people and mostly myself.
But I promise you all reading this. I became a loser these past two years I won't stay one. I am coming with a vengeance until I succeed in being who I think I am supposed to be...or until I crash out. Because most days, death seems like the answer to me and the peaceful way out. But for the time being, I want to make my grandpa proud. So I will keep fighting. I won't give up yet. But I can't lie, my tank is almost on E. Y'all stay safe now.