The question you have to ask yourself is simple if you’re thinking about seeing this movie. Do you like aids? Is the thought and idea of having aids appealing to you? Because if it is then by all means, go watch Fant4stic. Actually, STILL don't go even if you DO want aids. Do anything else and I mean anything. It would stimulate you more intellectually to eat some dirt for one hundred minutes instead of wasting them on this movie. You’d have a better time revisiting a series you hate and re-watching it over and over. Like Finn the Human, I’ve spent the last few days trying to lock away the memory of having seen this movie into the vault. My brain cells have suffered permanent damage and like Zod I feel like I’ve had my soul taken from me. But if you insist on knowing why this TRAGEDY Fox attempted to pass off as a movie should be burned to the ground, while being beaten out of existence with the severed limbs of The Thing, then keep reading. But honestly you could just stop here, forget the movie even exists and live a happy life.
Where the FUCK do I start? Believe it or not for about 45 minutes or so I was pretty happy with the movie. It started off developing the characters and relationships well enough for me to be engaged. It started off with Reed and Ben meeting and becoming a team. Reed’s family didn’t understand him while Ben’s owned a junk yard, which he wasn’t too stoked about. You can see the motivation and reasoning for the people they eventually become. Johnny Storm is a delinquent, squandering his talent by racing in the streets with a car he built from scratch. But he has the intelligence to be great. Long story short, Reed vaguely cracked interdimensional...planetary travel? Listen, I have no fucking idea if they’re going to another dimension or fucking planet because the movie won't SPECIFY which. I’m pretty damn sure at one point someone called it a dimensional planet. But yeah Reed does that, and Mister Storm brings in his kids Johnny and Susan Storm to work on the interdimens…planetar…the Teleporter.
Where the FUCK do I start? Believe it or not for about 45 minutes or so I was pretty happy with the movie. It started off developing the characters and relationships well enough for me to be engaged. It started off with Reed and Ben meeting and becoming a team. Reed’s family didn’t understand him while Ben’s owned a junk yard, which he wasn’t too stoked about. You can see the motivation and reasoning for the people they eventually become. Johnny Storm is a delinquent, squandering his talent by racing in the streets with a car he built from scratch. But he has the intelligence to be great. Long story short, Reed vaguely cracked interdimensional...planetary travel? Listen, I have no fucking idea if they’re going to another dimension or fucking planet because the movie won't SPECIFY which. I’m pretty damn sure at one point someone called it a dimensional planet. But yeah Reed does that, and Mister Storm brings in his kids Johnny and Susan Storm to work on the interdimens…planetar…the Teleporter.
Franklin Storm also goes and gets Victor Von Doom, who looks like a NEET. He’s in a grimy looking room looking homeless and he’s playing video games. Apparently he started the teleporting project (that’s what we’re calling it now) and he goes back to oversee the project. He’s like, an asshole but clearly brilliant, whatever. They build it, test it, it works and then the government screws them by opting to give it to NASA. In a drunken stupor (seriously they get intoxicated), they all go in the machine (except Sue) to see the “other world”, but not before Reed calls Ben to come. So everything goes wrong and specific things happen to each character to allude to what powers they’d each get. Ben couldn’t close the door and rocks flew at him while they teleported back home, Victor fell into some acid pool on the other world and gets trapped there, Sue gets hit by the residue energy of the machine when it comes back to the lab. Now it’s time to see how they cope and learn to use their powers right?
Nope, fast forward a year. Ben has apparently already gotten used to being a rock and we never see him struggle with his appearance. Or the fact he’s constantly naked and has no dick. Reed ran away for a year to find a way to reverse everything. Johnny is stoked about being fire while Sue isn’t happy about having powers. Well, I don’t actually know, her character was more than forgettable; she has almost no presence in this movie. They find Reed because they need him for the Teleporter 2.0 Arcade Edition and Ben goes to get him. Sort of reminiscent of Ironman meeting Thor, we get to see the heroes fight over a misunderstanding. Well, we don’t, Ben wins with a single head butt. Reed goes back, they fix the thing, Victor is alive and…fused with his environment suit. He looks hurt (and hungry like what the hell did he eat)? So he goes back with them to Earth. HOWEVER, turns out he didn’t actually want to be back on Earth so he kills everyone in his way so he can go back. He kills Franklin and Doom decided for whatever reason, fuck the world and does the thing so now both worlds are connected. Earth is being destroyed and sucked into “Victor’s” world.
Nope, fast forward a year. Ben has apparently already gotten used to being a rock and we never see him struggle with his appearance. Or the fact he’s constantly naked and has no dick. Reed ran away for a year to find a way to reverse everything. Johnny is stoked about being fire while Sue isn’t happy about having powers. Well, I don’t actually know, her character was more than forgettable; she has almost no presence in this movie. They find Reed because they need him for the Teleporter 2.0 Arcade Edition and Ben goes to get him. Sort of reminiscent of Ironman meeting Thor, we get to see the heroes fight over a misunderstanding. Well, we don’t, Ben wins with a single head butt. Reed goes back, they fix the thing, Victor is alive and…fused with his environment suit. He looks hurt (and hungry like what the hell did he eat)? So he goes back with them to Earth. HOWEVER, turns out he didn’t actually want to be back on Earth so he kills everyone in his way so he can go back. He kills Franklin and Doom decided for whatever reason, fuck the world and does the thing so now both worlds are connected. Earth is being destroyed and sucked into “Victor’s” world.
I’ll get back to how god damned awful Marvel’s greatest villain: Doctor Doom was pissed and shat on in the movie but give me a sec. So it’s time for the climactic battle. The moment we’ve been patient for the whole time. The movie was devoid of action so finally, a fight. Nope. Doom “dies” in like five minutes and then the movie just ends abruptly. PARDON ME? Did I just sit through 90 minutes for that shit? “We can’t beat him individually but together, with the power of friendship we can beat Doom!” Teamwork! Movie ends. Don’t bother staying for the credits unless your plan is to write down the name of every asshole involved in making this shit so you can write all their names in a Death Note.
The characters. Believe it or not I didn’t hate everyone. Franklin Storm, Johnny and Reed weren’t bad. Ben gets shafted here because he could have been better but the movie skips his character arc. The person who gets hit the hardest was the person who wasn’t actually involved (technically) with the experiment. He also wanted to go back several times while in other world and has his physical appearance forever altered. The movie also makes a note to say that he’s constantly in pain! But apparently that’s not important. The only character that was actually any good was probably Franklin. Probably.
The characters. Believe it or not I didn’t hate everyone. Franklin Storm, Johnny and Reed weren’t bad. Ben gets shafted here because he could have been better but the movie skips his character arc. The person who gets hit the hardest was the person who wasn’t actually involved (technically) with the experiment. He also wanted to go back several times while in other world and has his physical appearance forever altered. The movie also makes a note to say that he’s constantly in pain! But apparently that’s not important. The only character that was actually any good was probably Franklin. Probably.
Victor Von Doom. Dr Doom. Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so upset. Actually fuck it he was awful, he looked terrible, acted horrible, sounded terrible, his thematic role was menial and he was in the movie for a total of like ten minutes. No idea what his powers were in this movie, no idea why he wants to destroy the world, no idea how he survived a year on other world and god he was just terrible. I don’t even want to go into detail about it fuck you.
In conclusion, I HATE that I contributed 12 dollars to this franchise by seeing this movie, fuck everyone else who did the same, don’t go see it. If you do I hope you go fucking blind.
In conclusion, I HATE that I contributed 12 dollars to this franchise by seeing this movie, fuck everyone else who did the same, don’t go see it. If you do I hope you go fucking blind.